self hatred and other musings.

i have an eating disorder.
most people, when hearing this statement, figure i should be thin. that my ribs should be showing (these statements are just silly because you can look like the most "normal" person and still have an eating disorder). they look at me and laugh, saying i'm too fat to have an eating disorder. but i'm not.
i binge eat. i also binge and purge.
i've been asked, when told about my binging and purging, that if i do that, then why am i still so heavy (and yes that made me cry)? well, purging only gets rid of about 20-40% of the calories ingested. the longer i wait to purge, the less calories get washed down the drain. why do i do it then? one of the same reasons i binge eat.
because i hate myself.
when i look in a mirror, i see someone that is more than likely twice my size. i don't have to shop in specialty stores. i shop in the regular section. but when i look in the mirror? the girl in that glass is...well. let's say she's much heavier. i can say to a person that i am hideous, ugly, and believe it in my heart 100%. i'm not beautiful. i'm the person that people always say has a pretty face. i'm the person who never knows what to do with her arms because putting them at her sides makes her look even larger (no, really. watch my arms. i do that).
i think to myself, if i am thinner, i'll be liked. but at the same time, when i get depressed i binge. i can't exercise right now (not cleared by surgeon), especially not to the degree that i used to. i used to over exercise and not eat, but that is a story for another day. so when i binge, i purge. somehow i thus far have had no affects on my teeth or throat. it is only a matter of time if i don't stop. but i feel food. it feels like dead weight in my stomach, i can feel myself getting fatter. so don't eat! sure! that is the best answer ever!
if only it were that easy.
i am addicted to food. food is compulsive. food is coping. food is depression. food is what helps me and kills me at the same time. i binge when i'm depressed, and i feel better. but then i become depressed again because i can feel the food in my stomach, and i purge. this goes around and around. there are steps i am taking to work on this, but it is a struggle every single day to not be like this. to not be this person.
i am done writing for now, but this may be a topic i revisit. especially the other side of the coin, my over exercising and restriction.
i am the check all boxes person.


Articles:

http://www.medicinenet.com/binge_eating_disorder/article.htm
http://www.medicinenet.com/bulimia/article.htm