messages from above.

Recently I fell back into The Habit. The Habit and I haven't really been acquainted in a very long time...but I lost control. Life had just spun so far out of control, and The Habit was really the only way I knew how to cope with it. After I did it, I felt so empty. I mean, why do I do this? Why is this something I come back to? There were no answers, just tears and more pain.
At church there are cards you can fill out for prayer requests. I filled one out. I talked about the darkness that had overtaken my life. How I was in so much pain and the only outlet was falling back into The Habit. That was last Sunday.
This Sunday I was one of the worship leaders. I was standing up there when Eads started reading out the prayer requests during the part of service where the body prays over the real needs of others.
He had my card.
He said that last week, at the end of service, someone dropped it in. I never wrote my name on it, he didn't know who it was. He read it out to everyone. He said that I should know that I'm not alone. That there were people who love me, support me. That God loves me. I know he said other things, but for some reason I can barely think of them right now. I was stunned. I did NOT expect him to read it out, that's why I put it in at the end of service. So it would just be used by the small prayer team.
But maybe God thought I needed more.
After that I was rattled. I barely made it through the rest of the set.
Eads did the teaching, we all went back up for the final song to close out. When the song was over, Eads came back up...and spoke about me again. Well spoke to me, but since he didn't know it was me, he spoke to everyone. Floored me. I started to lose it at that point. I really wish I could remember what he said...but I was dazed. I walked backwards a bit, about to cry. I told myself I had to hold out a little longer, because walking off the stage at that point would be like a giant red flag. As soon as he was done I walked off the stage and lost it. I was crying and Mel came up, asked if I was ok. All I said was that I wrote it. Mel gave me a hug and comforted me for a bit.
The whole thing was just nuts to me. I mean, I never expected that to be read like that. And for Eads to bring it up a second time later in service?
I felt like God was using Eads to speak to me. To tell me that I wasn't alone.
You know what I mean? It was...well I don't even know what it was.
Then tonight a dear friend send me an LJ mail. I had posted last night on LJ that I had been thinking about Mike, and Heaven, that I had been having panic attacks again. She wrote me a wonderful message, and quoted some perfect scripture.

Revelation 21:3,4 says "And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither morning, nor outcry, nor pain be anymore, the former things have past away." Also, in John 5:28,29 it tells us "The hour is coming when all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out.."

Today was the day that God let me know, again, that I really am not alone.
Anytime I start to doubt, there He is. Knocking on my skull, telling me that he is here. That he cares.