falling.

so for about a month now, i have been full on crying every day depressed. i have a hard time making myself do anything i need to do. a week or so ago i had a hard time even making myself leave the house. someone asked me to bring the kids out to the park for some playtime. i tried to go, but i could not make myself do it. i started to cry and couldn't breathe. i'm so far down in this hole and i can't seem to find the strength to dig myself out. every day is a struggle to stay positive, but the sadness always creeps in.
when i do get out, all of my social issues are heightened, going full blast. sometimes i wonder if it would be easier on myself to just stay home. to just deal with myself and my family, not worry about rejection or people talking about me behind my back.
i always feel alone anyway.
like last monday. i was helping with a task for church, and there were about ten people around me, all people i know and like. but i felt frozen. like i was afraid to talk to people. before i left i had to sit and cry, praying to God to help me get through this.
that is how i've been lately. always crying, or sad, or angry. never wanting to do anything, even be awake. i just want to sleep.
i've been trying to reach out to God. praying, studying His word. but i always feel this nag inside. i'm not praying right. i'm not praying enough. i'm not reading enough. i'm not understanding it well. so then i just think,
what's the point?