i've been trying. i really have. but i can't hang on.
G has been giving us a TON of trouble lately. Always has an attitude, always surly, always talks back, hardly listens. It's like puberty five years early. I am losing my mind. My only comfort was knowing he was going on vacation soon.
Judge me all you want. Whatever. But it is really, really hard being a parent to two kids that make a point to let you know on a regular basis that they are not yours. Throw in a three year old and I am ready to lose it constantly. There are days when I just want to curl into a ball and cry. So yes, I am glad that I get a break for a while, time to recharge. But of course, this is my life, and it is hardly ever simple.
The Ex keeps going back and forth. She wants them, she doesn't want them, she wants them (but only for half the time), she doesn't want them. I've never before had such an urge to punch someone. I mean, these are your CHILDREN. why can't you take responsibility? As for C...WHY are you letting her just do this? It's a bit ridiculous. So every day the whole thing changes again. I'm really sick of it. Imagine how G's behavior will plummet even further when/if The Ex decides she doesn't want to see them. Yes, she has hurt them. Yes, they don't really do much when they are there. But they WANT TO GO THERE. I don't really understand it myself, but if we tell them they aren't going? They flip out.
So I'm depressed. Angry. C berating me this morning did not help one bit. He went on this tangent. Telling me I'm mean. That I'm never nice to G and S, I always have a bad attitude. I'm too hard on them. I'm never happy. Alot of things along those lines. I just sat and cried. What do you really say to something like that?
So I've been sitting here all morning, willing myself not to get up, pack a bag, and leave. Drop E off at C's work (since I'm such a terrible parent, I figure he would want to have E) and drive away.
I just don't have the strength to deal with this anymore. I really don't. I thought I could do this. But every day I feel more and more trapped, hopeless, worthless.
No one needs me. And apparently my family would be better without me.
Your family would NEVER be better off without you, however they sometimes make you feel. I don't know you deal with being in that position, but Chris needs to realize what it's like for you as a stepmom they push away and push against often.
ReplyDeleteAnd I would never judge you for wanting a break, EVER. If I did, I'd be the world's biggest hypocrite anyhow...