i'm just a little black rain cloud.

sometimes you just wonder.
what is my purpose?
what am i doing wrong?
most of the things i love...i've managed to fail.
i once told myself that i would be a published author by 27. here i am pushing 29 and no closer to being published by anyone but this blog. inspiration barely even finds me anymore. the last massive thing i wrote was so rooted in pain and sadness that i have to wonder: is that what i need to write? pain and near death?
i love to sing. i don't know if i'm any good. but hey, i was allowed to sing on stage for a year and it was one of the most amazing feelings i have ever had in my life. i absolutely loved it. i was nervous, sure. but it wasn't about me. it was about them. hearing the songs i was singing. absorbing the words. then they wouldn't let me on the stage anymore. they said it was temporary, a month and a half, two months. six months later i still wait. well, not really. i don't wait anymore. i didn't even bother looking at this month's schedule. i know i'm not on it.
i thought i was a creative person. that i had good ideas. i even joined creative team at church. guess what, i quit that too. why? i don't know. i've become very jaded, disillusioned by all of it. or maybe it was too closely tied to the singing, and it stung to plan these things that i wasn't really a part of. i never really had good ideas anyway. since i'm such a social disaster and barely spoke. that probably had something to do with it.
and my business? i thought...sigh. i don't even know. i have dreams for this. i have dreams of seeing people wearing my pieces in magazines. i have so much hope it hurts. but it is dashed pretty much daily. i mean, what am i thinking here? have you seen etsy? have you been to any kind of vendor event? i'm nothing special. i've been doing this as a business for three years. have been in the red all three. sometimes i almost want to pack it in. but i love it. i really do. even if i give my pieces away, i still love the look on people's faces when they see something that i made specifically for them. the look of joy. i don't want to give that up.
skating. i have fallen so hard (literally and figuratively) in such a short amount of time. yes, i push myself too hard. i'm horrible on myself. but look at the rest of this post. is this any sort of surprise to anyone? there are still my undercurrents of social anxiety and insanity that run right through this. i'm not good enough. no one really likes me. why am i even trying. what business do i have trying to do sports. why would they want my pieces for merch. living in this brain can be really awful. why do you think i avoid mirrors and photographs? because no matter what, i tear myself apart. why do you think my body is a mass of scars? why do you think i'm always moody, broody, and mad? i feel like life's failure. i feel like a failure to my family, the friends that i have, hell even my cat. yes i'm talking to you over there, cat. trying to hide in that blanket. i see you.
look, i'm sorry guys. i don't mean to be captain whineypants. but if you can't vent, then you just explode, right? remember last couple of times i've exploded? i'm thinking if i really explode again, i won't be able to piece back together.
i want things to be better. i really do. i want to not have to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist. i want to be able to stand up straight without wincing. i want my work, both written and sparkly, to be admired by others and for me to accept the praise (that's a huge part too, i am so bad at that. i get strange looks). i want to merge all important parts of my life together. i want to rediscover my faith. i want to be a better mother, wife. i want to be able to not feel my palms itch in need of something sharp every time i have a day like today. i want to sing. loud and proud. i want to be socially normal, not socially inept. i want to stop worrying. i want to feel loved. i want to help people. i want to matter. i want to SKATE! turnaround stops and crossovers, i want my feet to move the way they need to! i want to make a difference in someone's life. i want to be ok with myself. i want to love myself. i want to be able to look in the mirror and smile. i want to have a clearer brain without a million pills. i want, i want, i want.
there is so much i want to do, so many thoughts that swirl around in my brain all the time. i have a real problem with sleeping.
i don't know what to do first.
but i do know that i need to move fast. get to it now.
because that edge is right there in front of me.