using my voice, using my body, and other things that i can no longer do that annoy me.

so yeah, i've complained about this before, right? Looking back, ok it seems that two posts ago I posted a piece called "Sidelined". So I have said something regarding these topics.
when you are told by people that you cannot do the things you love, at least in my case, i tend to push back. i bother them about it. why not? why won't you let me be on stage any more? you think i will choke? bad stage presence? ok, let me do this skit and be flawless. let me read something i wrote to the entire congregation. what is the excuse now?
why can't i skate anymore? i need back surgery? well then the second i get in to physical therapy i will tell her to treat me like an athlete, i will push myself to be better, move better. i have to wait until the next group? ok, the second i'm allowed back on skates i will basically live inside a roller rink, breathe the (slightly foul) scent of a skate bag.
sometimes i feel like John Locke in a wheel chair.

i'm tired of being told what i can't do.
i am tired of being ME. the one that everyone gives 'that' look to, the one everyone finds pitiful and annoying. oh there is priscilla, wonder what her problem is this time. she always has something wrong, doesn't she?
i'm tired of being stuck in this body, in this mind. my broken body, full of lumps and curves i despise, with nothing to do but wait wait wait for them to say ok, get back out there. run. bike. do whatever. i miss exercising. i miss skating. i miss movement. i miss bending. i miss being something other than a lump.
and my mind? every day i deteriorate further. i'm sick of tears and long sleeves. i want to be stronger. i want to be able to function. i want to get out of bed in the morning. i want to be able to sleep at night. i want to have friendships, a normal conversation, without worrying that the other person has a secret hatred towards me. yes, that is how i think. it's sad. ok doc, fine. you want me to go to an inpatient treatment center. too bad recovery is only for the rich. fifty five grand? oh sure, pocket change. you don't take insurance? of course you don't. that would be too easy.
i want to be better. i do.
but i keep hitting walls. there are always road blocks.
people wonder why i drink.
and i don't want to talk to people about it. people are tired of me by now. either i feel they are tired of me or i am so unsure of the relationship i don't feel that i can talk, that i have to tiptoe through any conversation just so i don't get kicked to the curb.
i look at myself and i wonder, am i even worth fixing? this has been me for as long as i can remember. but the hole is getting deeper, wider. i don't know if i will be able to claw my way out if this goes on much longer.
i want to be better.
i just don't know how.