broken.

i want to write about today.

i want to write about yesterday.

i want to write about how i felt, what i saw.

but i can't.

as we were walking to the car, and i looked over at the pile of earth something in me broke. snapped. i don't know what it was. but suddenly i just felt empty. hollow. my constant over emotional state that i've had for years just...dried up. since then i've felt like i'm in a haze. numb. less than five minutes before that, someone teased me because i was (again) crying, and i said that i am always crying. some part of me still wants to cry. but a larger, more dominating part, has decided enough is enough. my emotions have been so insane, so out of whack, since december, that i was done. checked out.

if there were sidewalks that were available, i would have gone running as soon as we got home. i haven't eaten since early this morning. i have no desire for food. all i want to do is run.

run, run, run, run, run.

from this. all of this.

about seven years ago i took up running. it was a similar situation, actually. after excessive emotional turmoil, i broke. i stopped eating. i started running, daily, for hours. i shut the world out, just concentrated on my feet against pavement. i was like that for months. only ate if i was 30 seconds from starvation, and even then it was barely anything. i lost about sixty pounds. it was kind of insane. what pulled me out was an email that turned into my life now.

i don't know what could pull me out this time.

i am weak.