i irritate myself so hard.

well, i'm irritated by my body.

i love to skate. i want to be good at it. i want to learn the skills and pass my assessments. But I can barely even get the basics down. Why?
My frakking back.
Let me wallow here for a minute, ok?
Tonight I'm skating along, and I'm trying to get comfortable in the 'derby' stance (knees bent, butt out) and my back is screaming in pain. I grit my teeth and go with it, push as hard as i can until i have to take a knee. stretch, get back up, and try again. a sick cycle, really. But i want it. I want to be good. So I push. Should I be pushing that hard? Probably not. I joke that I'm trying to make sure my doctor gets the maximum amount of money from my insurance company. I just wanted to cry. I couldn't even finish out the practice. I spent the rest of the time discussing merch options and mentally kicking my own ass. I get so angry at myself, so discouraged.
Frak off, spondylolisthestis.
I'm tired of being broken.
I'm tired of pain.
I mean, I'm a mess. My brain. My body. All sorts of broken and messed up.
I want to be able to sleep without pain. I want to live without almost constantly wincing, bracing for the pain on the next step.
I'm reading all of these spinal surgery thingies and they say it usually takes 6 to 9 months of healing time. SIX TO NINE MONTHS. I want to scream! The injured list for that long?? By the time I'm back on skates they might not even want to use me anymore!
I hate talking about it. I like to try and buck up, push on, not show that this is frakking terrifying me.
So I sit. Wallow. Drink a beer and be sad. Take my eight pills. Go to bed.
But you can bet your ass I will be back on skates at practice tomorrow.
Pushing on. Pushing through.