It's mortal and it's stupid.

i dreamed about her all night.
her smile. her deep love of music. she loved music so much she begged her mom to smuggle her ipod onto the unit because she couldn't live without it. that girl went to so many concerts it was unreal. i wish i went to that many.
she was so sweet to me. she made me laugh. she listened to me. her arms were bandaged too. she appeared so aloof, like she didn't care. is that how i looked? with all my smiles, jokes? did i look like i didn't care? or was there pain in those eyes, like hers?
i don't know.
i spent most of yesterday numb. i either laid on the couch and cried, slept, or sat on the bathroom floor and cried. i'm not sure how i made dinner. thank goodness for Genny for keeping me company until 3 in the morning.
i woke up this morning. i was stirring oatmeal and just got kind of...lost. i kept playing that quote in my head. yeah yeah, a buffy quote.

‎"But I don't understand, I don't understand how this all happens, how we go through this, I mean I knew her, and now she's...there's just a body, and I don't understand how come she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid! It's mortal! and it's stupid! And Xander's crying and not talking, and I was having fruit punch and I was thinking that well Joyce will never have fruit punch, ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn, or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why."

lauren will never have her music again.
man i do not handle death well.

but knowing lauren, knowing what this pain, this disease can do...it has given me what i needed to push myself harder. make the calls that hurt. the ones that are terrifying.

if all goes according to plan, i will be admitted into Fairwinds Treatment Center in Clearwater, Florida at the beginning of March. I've already solidified travel arrangements (Chris' sister is an amazing woman), a place to stay while i am assessed and all the paperwork is done. this is happening. i will be in a one month treatment program. i can do this. i have to do this.

"do something to better you and your son's lives."